Utah Family Therapy

Talking To Your Son or Daughter About Sex

We understand that many of you don’t want to have this talk with your son or daughter; however, in this day and age … IT IS VITAL!

Beggars Daughter

Jessica Harris from Beggars Daughter wrote an article on this and encourage everyone to read. She tells it like it is, no skirting around the issue.

In this article:

  • Learn the time you should talk to your son or daughter about sex and porn?
  • How old should he or she be to talk about sex and porn?
  • My daughters experience at 5 years old.
  • Love and Connection
  • My 17-year-old daughter’s response.

I had to have the sex talk when my daughter was 5 years old.

Yes, you read that right, she was 5 years old.

What happened to dig in the sand and playing Barbies and GI Joe on the playground?

My daughter came home one day and said, “Dad, what is a … ?”

Absolutely sure I heard her wrong I said, “Daddy did not understand that, what did you say?”

… she repeated the exact question.

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I asked her, “Where did you hear that?”

She said, “They were talking and laughing about it at school and I didn’t know what it was but I laughed too. I knew you would know what it was.”

Talk To Children

I immediately pulled my wife in so we could have this conversation together. It is important to answer their questions enough but not to give them too much.

I couldn’t believe it, at 5 years of age, I am having a talk with my daughter about sex.

Every child is different and will have different curiosity levels, interest, friends, etc… so you have to follow your feelings on when it is appropriate.

You do NOT want your child to get their sex education from their peers or the media. You must educate them in a controlled environment so you can answer the questions the way you feel is right.

It starts with being approachable. Your children need to know that you can be approached and talk about anything and you will NOT get upset or make them feel ashamed for asking questions.

Then it starts with talking about their bodies in a healthy way and answering questions openly and honestly even in my case.

Ask Children

  • Have you seen any images that made you feel yucky or even excited?
  • Have you done anything that you wished you would not have done?
  • How is daddy/mommy doing in showing he/she loves you?
  • How can I improve? (I even ask this to my older children … but beware!)

If the answers that are coming back are:

“I saw a picture of somebody throwing up.” or something like this, you can dig a little further but generally you do not need to start the conversation about sex or porn.

However, if the comment comes back,

“I saw a naked lady on the computer.”

You need to start processing this and learning more about what they saw and don’t be afraid to have the sex talk even younger. This also happened to me.

My son said, “I saw a naked lady on the computer.”

I said, “Really? Where did you see this at?”

He replied, “When I was listening to Pandora it was on the side.” (Pandora is a music sharing site that has some pretty risque ads)

Connected FamilyI then asked him to tell me how it made him feel and he proceeded to tell me his feelings.

None of us are the best parents but we can and must remain open to talk too. Don’t shame them, help them realize they are in a place of safety and comfort, even if they tell you something that truly angers you. You must stay in control and show love.

If you have been fortunate enough to avoid the sex talk until they are older, first give a prayer of thanks then when you see signs of puberty settling in, talk with them about their bodies.

Always remain open and approachable to talk to, even at busy times.

Just as accurately answering questions about where babies come from establishes your authority and willingness to approach the topic, being the first to speak up in this stage will confirm that you still know what you are talking about and you are willing to talk about it.

You can read Jessica’s full article here.

I still ask these same questions to my older children and I am amazed at the responses I still get. They have been exposed to graphic images at school from teachers. They may not be porn per se but they are still images that have affected my children in an uncomfortable way.

Having this open communication has been a life-saver for our family and my oldest daughter has said,

“Dad, I value your opinion more than anyone else’s and thank you for listening.”

Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst father in the world because of losing my temper, but a comment like this makes me feel like I’m doing okay.

Stay Open – Stay Approachable – Stay Loving and you’ll do okay.

In Summary

There is never a set time to talk with your son or daughter about sex and porn, it depends on where they are at. In my case, I have had to start talking with my children at a very young age of 5 years old. You may be fortunate enough to wait until they are older.

The most important part is to stay open, approachable, loving, caring and supportive when you do talk with them. You may and most likely will get some answers that you hoped you would not hear. You need to keep your emotions at bay or they will shut down.

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Lets face it, who likes to talk about their crap with other people? 

If you’re like most clients, you’re used to being judged despite hearing so many people talk about non judgment and when you do open up, it seems like the more you share, the less likely you are to get compassion. 

We’ve worked our butts off to create a clinic where the unfiltered, real you, can show up and heal, so dammit give therapy a chance

We love the unfiltered real you, let’s heal together. – Utah Family Therapy Team