Bishops, when handling confession, use open-ended questions when someone is coming to you for a confession is useful in gathering meaningful information. Some suggestions of what to ask might be:
I assume from the fact that you are here, that you have some things you want to talk over.
After getting a clear picture of the problem, you can then determine how to help them best. When someone has been dealing with pornography addiction or sex addiction issues for many years, the best thing that you can do is refer him or her to professional counselors who specialize in the treatment of this issue.
If a person has already been through the confession cycle time and time again it is unlikely that they are going to change without specialized help.
There have been great inroads made in understanding how this addiction works and what helps in maintaining sobriety. Oddly enough the repeated confession cycle to church leaders can become a part of the addictive cycle.
The real challenge for bishops and other religious leaders seems to be in finding that unique balance of encouragement without in any way condoning or minimizing the sin. In reality, if this sin is not checked it can lead to far worse things.
It is progressive and destructive by nature. Leaders need to clearly give that message while at the same time not being too harsh or condemning. If a leader comes across as too harsh or condemning they can feed into the addiction cycle due to the way the Limbic part of the brain works.
Remember that addicts will not be pressured they must be led. I have had more than just a few clients inform me that they will never go back to certain leaders with their problems because it just made it worse. They left feeling condemned, threatened, and hopeless.
If a person walks out of a Bishop’s or their ecclesiastical leader’s office after confessing feeling worse than when they went in, the probability that they will come to talk to you has decreased.
Again, remember that the way in which a leader responds and communicates can make it either more or less likely that a person will feel safe enough to talk about what is going on with them and thus begin the process of recovery and change.
The goal of this article is to encourage the proper balance of justice and mercy when dealing with an individual with this addiction.
It appears that when one is out of balance on the justice side, the individual suffers and also when one is out of balance on the mercy side the individual suffers.
True mercy cannot rob justice, but it is also true that mercy can satisfy the demands of justice. It is my opinion that when one is trying and willing to confess and enter treatment if necessary, that mercy comes into play notwithstanding the continued struggle with the addiction.
Does one need to be perfect for the atonement of the Savior to come into effect? What addicts struggle with is a thirst that never seems to go away. The work of recovery is to help them understand that there is water that can satisfy that thirst.
“But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst, but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.”
They must be led and not pushed to that source.
The way a Bishop or other ecclesiastical leaders respond to those who suffer from addiction can either help lead them towards this water the Savior is talking about or away from it.
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If a person is coming to you confessing, most likely they have been beating themselves and have already humbled themselves and are in the healing process.
Lets face it, who likes to talk about their crap with other people?
If you’re like most clients, you’re used to being judged despite hearing so many people talk about non judgment and when you do open up, it seems like the more you share, the less likely you are to get compassion.
We’ve worked our butts off to create a clinic where the unfiltered, real you, can show up and heal, so dammit give therapy a chance!
We love the unfiltered real you, let’s heal together. – Utah Family Therapy Team