The Importance of Spouse Inventory
A little while ago we posted about addicts doing a moral inventory to find healing, this post is to the spouse or loved one of an addict to complete a spouse/loved one inventory so they can find healing.
There are so many spouses/loved ones that are in pain and seeking the healing they need. A lot of times the loved ones need just as much healing, if not more, because of the self defeat and the shame they feel.
Let me talk a little bit more about the personal inventory for loved ones and spouses.
This is an opportunity for you to take a real good look at yourself and how you respond to things in your life. How you’ve been responding to different emotional issues throughout your life and to recognize areas that are consuming more energy and focus than should. You need to realize you are not your loved one’s addiction. You are not the cause. You are not the reason they are addicted. If you are strong and healthy, you can be a real resource for healing.
This is a very tender and sensitive issue but it’s also a time that when you write your personal inventory for you to be able to listen and write. Use prayer, for example.
What’s your intuition?
I’m telling you. When you have a loved one that deals with addiction issues, it’s very, very grueling, trust issues and all that goes along with that are violated.
The purpose of the loved one’s manual is to help you understand more about how an addiction develops, what goes on in the brain, and why this is such a challenging thing and why it’s generally more of a male thing than a female thing, because of the way the visual cortex works in the brain. Men are just more visual by nature than women.
I look at pornography as a great exploiter and all those exploited as victims of it. Being able to say it in those terms, doesn’t make such a bad, terrible person. Viewing pornography usually starts when individuals are 11-12 years old, and now the average age of exposure is around 8 years old.
We want to change the paradigm, as we are rescuers. We are going out and trying to help people understand what’s going on, and of course there’s boundaries that need to be set and every relationship is different.
The purpose of the spouses and loved ones manual is to honor you in your process. Being able to write some of your feelings down, can help you identify who you are and to recognize if you have a tendency to be a little more judgmental and critical in life.
Your Personal Inventory
The purpose of your personal inventory is to identify things like:
- What has your relationship been like with other people?
- How would people, those that you love, if they were given an anonymous paper, and said what is this person like, how would they rate you on things?
It’s kind of those things that the personal inventory is helping you to identify and see if there are areas that you can improve on because the goal is to heal relationships; heal your own wounds and to help those that are struggling with this addiction heal.
I know it’s hard.
Your feelings have been violated, hurt and tossed aside but again, if we look at it in terms of these individuals who struggle with addictions have been exploited. It’s not fair that they were exploited, and many of them at a young age. It set things in a direction that now we understand. With the two manuals together, we are trying to redirect things in a better path.
Again, the purpose of your personal inventory is to become more grounded in who you are as a person.
Be okay with who you are.
Don’t beat yourself up and work on healing you. … focus on you!